...but beneath that control-freak exterior of yours...
...that there's a sexual deviant waiting to be unleashed.
No. No, I'm not a sexual deviant.
Good point.
I'm guessing you've been out of practice for what, a year?
No.
Eleven months. - God.
Eleven months. How do you live? Come on.
So how often do you...?
Do I what?
- You know...
... flick the bean? - What bean?
Your bean. Flick it. Down there.
Gross! That's what you call it? What is wrong with you?
No, well, actually, I call it masturbating...
...but I thought that might offend your delicate ladylike sensibilities.
So how often do you flick it? - I don't know.
How often do you flick it?
You're only asking me that so you can picture me flicking mine...
... while you flick yours. - No.
I would never picture you while I do that, which is not something I do.
I don't do that, not ever. - Yes, you would.
No. No. No. - Never?
I find it impersonal.
Abby, what could be more personal than you flicking your bean?
I just don't see myself that way, okay? - Okay, well, I do.
Come here.
Well, you better start.
Because if you don't wanna have sex with you, why the hell would Colin?
What is this?
What is this, baby?
What? What, baby?
What is this? What is this, D'Artagnan?
"Astrea 1."
"Vibrating brief. "
Great.
He said he was running late.
What is he doing here already?
Good, you're ready. - For what?
The dinner with corporate.
Didn't you get my e-mail? - No.
And I can't. I have a date with Colin.
You can't go because you have a date?
You have no idea how hard those are for her to get.
Well, then let's pick him up on the way.
Come on, let's go. Right now. - Come on. Come on, let's go.
Sorry to hijack your date, brother.
No worries. You're a producer as well?
No, dude, I'm the talent.
So you're an anchor, then?
No, I do The Ugly Truth.
Hasn't he ever seen our show? - Come on, Stuart.
Our show's way too low-brow for Colin.
He's a doctor. - Yes, that's right, he is.
He doesn't wanna hear about things like implants and oral sex.
You talk about oral sex? - Oh, look, we're here.
You invited the Jell-O twins? - Yeah. I thought it was good thinking.
Well, it certainly can't hurt.
Ladies, you look quite fetching.
Hey, hey, the gang's all here. - Hey.
Harold, Bob, you remember Abby. - Hi. And this is-
And we all know Mike Chadway. - And who are these lovely ladies?
Something tells me we won't be talking about the news tonight.
That's right.
Our table's waiting. Shall we? - Come this way.
Mike, you're doing a hell of a job. - Yeah, I couldn't agree more.
That's a good one, huh? - That is funny.
Thank you.
So you guys here to give me a raise or what?
Oh, that's my guy, always with the jokes.
Yeah.
Yeah. Right.
No, really, we are very excited about this year's rating increases.
And we're hoping that in the next quarter, we can-
Oh, God. - What's wrong?
Nothing. Nothing.
Could you excuse me?
Shit. - Sorry, she's...
What are you doing? - I'm looking for the remote.
What remote? - For the-
The underwear.
What? You're wearing them now?
Are you okay? - Yeah.
Yeah.
This ceviche, it's so good.
Quite possibly the best I have ever tasted.
Yeah. I'm gonna ask the chef for the recipe.
Abby, hold on.
Tell Harold about the new teaser campaign...
...we're starting next week. You're gonna love this.
Sure. Sure, sure, sure.
Well, they're 15 seconds...
...every hour, on the hour.
Yep. Yep, yep.
They're so...
So...
You tell them, Mike. You should tell them. Yes, yes.
Yes, you tell them.
Actually, I was really enjoying the way you were telling them. It was great.
You were... You were telling them.
What's in ceviche?
They're-
They're unlike anything you have ever felt.
Amazing.
And they're of-
Of Mike telling an ugly truth...
...and they are just so-
So cutting-edge.
So... So fantastic. So fantastic!
Oh, God! Oh, it's so, so great!
Oh, God. Yeah! You're gonna love them.
Well, gotta love her enthusiasm, right?
I'm gonna use the restroom, if you'll excuse me.
Sorry, buddy, that's my toy.
Did you know he had it the whole time?
Not the whole time, just part of the time.
I figured I should let you finish. - How kind.
So thanks for coming tonight. To dinner.
That kind of coming.
He likes you, by the way. Colin.
I can tell. - Really?
We ready to go? - Yeah.
I know Abby is. - Great.
Let's go.
Take care. Thanks. - Okay.
Well, that went well, I think. - Sure did.
Yeah. - Let's get a drink.
Bob and Harold...
www.frendz4m.com
Oh, my God. For me? - Oh, my God, he sent you flowers!
Okay. Just conference me when you get a hold of her.
Okay, bye.
All right, so we have the balloon festival coming up...
...and I thought for sweeps, it might be nice to do a segment...
...on how men are full of hot air.
Right? It's good, right? - No.
We should do some stuff on location...
...because you're great when you're interacting with people.
I'm sorry, did you just say I'm great?
Yeah, you kind of are.
Back at you, babe.
So tell me this.
Why hasn't some fancy New York show stolen you away?
Oh, I much prefer Sacramento to New York.
Come on. You just like being a big fish in a little pond.
No. No.
And Sacramento isn't really a pond, it's more of a lake, or even an estuary.
And it's a great place to raise a family.
Really good school system.
The parks are clean and well-maintained and safe.
And there's a much lower divorce rate here than there is in New York.
Yes, well...
Thank God Colin would never be into a woman like that.
Oh, yeah, I forgot. Colin only likes women of quality, huh?
That's a trait to be admired, not mocked, man-whore.
Man-whore? Why am I a man-whore?
I've seen you with the Funbag Twins, remember?
Saw me what?
What, you saw me introduce them to some network executives?
They wanna be actresses, baby. I mean, who am I to kill their dream?
Such a generous man. You're telling me you've never slept with them?
Well, no, I didn't say that. - That's my point.
Men, or man-whores...
...prefer women in slutty clothes who suck lots of cock.
Every man wants that.
And for your information, I only slept with the one who could read.
Wait a second, did you just say "cock"?
Yes. Yes, I did.
I can say "cock. " You don't own the word. Cock.
Cock, cock, cock.
Okay, I got it.
A week ago, you were crying at the thought of a vibrator.
Now you're "cock this, cock that," cock, cock, cock.
You slept with Colin, didn't you? - No. No.
We didn't. We're saving that for this weekend.
He's taking me to Lake Tahoe.
Well...
...here's to overturning assumptions, huh?
I'm really a man of discriminating taste and you're a foul-mouthed slut.
Thank you.
So there you have it.
Never assume a girl is easy or assume she's a prude.
There are many layers in between.
And it's your job, gentlemen, to peel back those layers...
...and figure out exactly what type of woman you're dealing with.
That sounded almost enlightened.
Because once you do peel back those layers, my friends...
... her lady garden awaits. - And he's back.
And I'm pretty sure...
...you're gonna wanna fertilize that patch of petunias.
Well, thanks, Mike.
Coming up after this message, Javier tells us if your petunias...
...are gonna see any rainfall this weekend.
I sure hope mine do.
I wanna go home, but let's go over the script right now.
Yeah, let's get it done really quickly.
I'm turned on with the layers. - Want to see these layers?
There he is. - Hey, what's up?
Good news. You're not gonna believe this.
What? - I got you on The Late Late Show...
...with Craig Ferguson. They want you as his guest.
Ferguson wants me on his show? - Yeah.
You're shitting me. - I am not shitting you.
Oh, yeah. - We made it.
Yes!
Hi. Who are you?
Oh, this is Rick.
I'm his agent. - Yeah.
Since when do you have an agent? And since when is it okay...
...to book Late Night without the producer's approval?
Anyways, you leave tonight.
Okay. - It's all set.
How cool is this? - Come on, let's go.
Oh, my God!
Joy said you wanted to see me?
I just found out that Mike's being offered a job...
...at a CBS affiliate in San Francisco at twice the pay.
Craig Ferguson is his audition.
You can't be serious. - Oh, I'm serious.
If Bob and Harold find out about this, we're dead.
Now, I need you to fly out there and talk him out of it.
I'm going to Lake Tahoe this weekend.
Don't let him know that you know.
Go ahead and let him do the show, get us our publicity...
...and then convince him that he needs to sign on with us...
...for the next three years. That's all we can do.
Stuart, I'm pulling up. I'm gonna try to catch him.
Okay. I'll call you back.
Thank you.
Hello, little stupid penis face.
You'd be on cable access if it weren't for me.
Here you wanna move to CBS. - Is everything okay, miss?
Yes, I'm just- I'm practicing my speech.
Abby? What are you doing here? I thought you were going to Tahoe.
You couldn't spend a day without me.
Yes. I just can't get enough of your sparkling wit and charm.
Stuart thought you needed a producer more than I needed to get laid.
Come on, I gotta check in. We leave in five minutes.
Five minutes. Ticktock, ticktock. - Yes, dear.
Okay, so let's go over the pre-interview questions.
I'm sorry you didn't get to spend time with little Colin this weekend.
And by "little," I don't mean undersized...
...although I highly suspect that's the case.
Colin's penis. That's what you wanna talk about right now?
Because I thought we should talk about...
...what you're gonna say on the show.
Yeah. Okay.
So tell me, Mike, how did The Ugly Truth start?
Well, Mr. Irish Craig Ferguson...
...I had a sales job...
...where I was driving around a lot, listening to talk radio.
I started calling in, and then I realized I'm smarter than everybody else.
Just ask my producer, Abby.
She thinks I'm a genius on days when she's not sexually frustrated.
Yes, thousands of lives have been enriched by your wisdom.
Excuse me, lady, but you have a boyfriend right now because of me.
It may have started because of you, but it's lasted because of me.
You're acting like your normal control-freak psycho self again.
I am not a control freak.
When you checked into the hotel, did you or did you not insist...
...on getting an eastern-facing room on a floor not below 7?
I like rising with the sun, and a view.
My point is, that Colin likes the Mike version of Abby...
...not the Abby version of Abby.
So don't go knocking my words of wisdom...
...when you're living proof that they work.
I could be having sex right now.
Right this way, please.
Dude, this is awesome. You are about to go on national television.
Okay, this isn't helping, Rick.
Just, you know, do what you always do.
What do I always do? - You... I don't know, you...
You entertain people with your moronic ideas...
...and they love you for it.
That may be the nicest thing you said to me.
You're welcome. - Next up...
...here to tell us the ugly truth about men and women...
...is Mike Chadway, everybody. Mike Chadway.
Mike, Mike, Mike.
Come on up.
Hey, how are you, folks?
All right, Mike, welcome.
Now, listen. Men, we men, I think I can say "we men. "
Not necessarily "wee" men, but men of all sizes-
No, I get it. I get it. - We're not known for our expertise...
...in matters of the heart.
But I hear you have some very interesting ideas and theories.
What advice would you give to the people out there...
... that are looking for love? - My advice would be..
Don't do it.
I mean, try to find lust instead.
It's a lot easier and a lot less messy.
Blue balls, they only last a few hours...
...but a broken heart, that can last years.
Goodness me. Tell me, then. What's her name?
Who?
The woman that screwed you up. She must have been a doozy.
Well, like I said, better a floozy than a doozy.
Hi. I was looking for an Abby Richter.
Did you get him? Is he ours? - I'm working on it.
I gotta go.
Where's Rick? - I sent him home.
I thought may be you and I could celebrate on our own.
Give me some of that.
And what exactly are we celebrating?
Hello? Craig Ferguson? I was just on it.
I mean, maybe you saw it?
I heard about the offer from CBS.
Well, then maybe you heard I turned it down.
You did?
Why?
Jonah.
You know, he needs me around.
I may not be the best father figure out there...
...but I'm the only one he's got.
And I don't wanna half-ass it all the way from San Francisco.
Well, I think that's a very good decision.
Thank you.
Now, can we stop talking about work...
...and maybe relax and drink, enjoy?
God.
Tell me about the doozy.
You know, the woman who broke your heart.
You are just totally trying to kill my buzz.
No, I'm not.
I'm just interested in what makes you, you.
Well, for your information...
...it was more than just one.
It was more like a parade.
Codependent girls, unfaithful girls...
...depressed girls, narcissistic girls, phony girls.
Girls who, it turned out, didn't actually like me.
By the time I hit 30, I realized that...
...you can only have so many lousy relationships...
...before you figure out there's no such thing as a good one.
You can't really believe there's no such thing as a good relationship.
To my very core.
Hello. Can I get you something?
I'll have one of those, please. - A mojito. Sure.
Would you like anything else? - Yeah, some water.
Okay, would you like still or sparkling?
Tap water's great. Thanks. - Tap. All right.
What?
It's the exact same thing, isn't it?
So I've been told.
Come on, let's dance.
No, I'm serious.
I've seen your spazzy dance, now I wanna see the real thing.
No, really. I can't dance like that. - I can. Well, kind of.
Oh, Mike, no.
No.
We have an early flight tomorrow. We should go.
Yeah. We should go.
So the car is gonna pick us up downstairs tomorrow at 8.
Do you want me to call you? - No, I'll get a wake-up call.
Oh, yeah, good idea. - Yeah.
I had a really good time tonight. - Me too.
Yeah.
My floor. - Yeah.
See you tomorrow. - Eight o'clock.
Eight o'clock.
Good night. - Good night.
Good night. - Yeah, good night.
A lot of fun. Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.
I guess-
I guess I should go, huh?
Yeah.
Good night.
What the hell was that?
Why do I wanna do it again?
Miss me? - Colin.
You were expecting someone else? - No.
Since you couldn't come to Lake Tahoe, I decided to come to you.
How did you know I was here? - Joy told me.
I just started thinking about all the stuff we were going to do there, and I-
Come here. - decided I couldn't wait.
A little champagne? - Yeah.
Great.
So happy to be here. Oh, yes.
What's wrong? - Nothing. You just surprised me.
You told me you were spontaneous. - Yes, I did.
Have a little something else on its way up for you. You are going to love it.
Let me tell you, it comes out so fast, right?
Oh, wow, I guess we have to get naked sooner than I thought.
I'll get you a towel. - Okay.
Abby, I...
Abby, I really, really wanna do that again, and not just tonight.
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Man up, Chadway. Come on, you can do this.
Hey... Hey. You're not room service.
How you doing, man? - Hey.
Hey. Good to see you. I-
I just came by to tell Abby about the change in our flight time...
...but I can come by later.
Hi. - Hey.
What are you doing here?
Flight's changed.
Eight o'clock in the morning.
I told you that already?
I'm so... Long day, big day.
Okay, I'll just leave now.
Mike. Mike.
Hey, wait.
He came to surprise me. I...
Hey, how convenient. - No, I-
I thought it was you at the door.
Well, I guess we're all interchangeable.
I taught you well.
Hey, maybe you could even host the show.
Tell me what happened in the elevator.
Should I tell Colin to go?
No.
No, why pull up anchor now?
I mean, you worked damn hard to get him here.
And that's it? That's all you have to say?
What do you want me to say?
The truth is ugly, isn't it?
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
I'll see you.
Sorry about that.
No. Honestly, no worries.
Just come here.
Listen, the rest of the night is ours.
To the first of many romantic evenings to come.
Okay.
Yeah. Colin, why do you like me?
You're beautiful. You're smart.
You-
You never criticize.
You know what? You never try to control the situation.
And I've gotta say, it's a breath of fresh air...
...because I know so many women who are total control freaks...
...and it's a nightmare.
I just love that you're not like that. - But I am.
I am just like that.
Wait, what do you mean?
Well, this should be chilled.
But you know that.
And as horrible as it sounds...
...I was editing that speech the entire time you were giving it.
And the time you fed me caviar, I was in physical pain.
I hate being fed like a toddler.
That's how much of a control freak I am.
But I couldn't show you any of that, because...
...who would love someone like that?
No one.
I'm so sorry.
You are a great guy, you really are.
Which is why I have to tell you that I have not been myself.
Not for one second of the time that we've been dating.
Then who have you been?
The girl some idiot told me to be.
Morning, Freddy.
What did you do to him?
I didn't do anything. He missed the flight all on his own.
He quit this morning.
I got a call from the local CBS affiliate saying they'd closed a deal with him.
Corporate's having a shit fit. What the hell happened?
He quit to go to one of our local competitors?
We don't need Mike Chadway.
Halfwit troglodytes are a dime a dozen.
You'd better be right.
Because you gotta find me another one or else we're canceled.
I'll find one by the end of the day.
Not really. I'm just- That's just a joke, everybody.
I can't believe I allowed myself to feel for him.
Well, you felt enough something to break up with Colin. I'm sorry.
Okay, here are the Mike Chadway replacements.
Yes, no, yes, no, no, fuck no. - "Fuck no. " All right.
So, what do you think of the new set?
I love it.
KSXP retained the copyright to your old segment title...
...so we retitled you: Morning Madness With Mike.
Love it.
And this is Joe, your new producer. - Hi.
You know what I like best about you, Joe?
Is I don't wanna have sex with you at all.
I'm relieved to hear that.
...too shiny?
Which side is better? Right, left, full frontal?
They're all great. Can we go over your intro one more time?
"I'm Jack Magnum, and this is... " - The Ugly Truth.
...the effing gun. - Alright.
We're live in five, four, three...
Two, one.
Think this guy's any good? - He better be.
I'm Jack Magnum, and this is The Ugly Truth.
Peace. - Oh, Jesus. He's going political.
...and then we're out.
Got it.
Check it out. Your replacement's on. - Jack Magnum.
My what? - How's it going out there, Jack?
Your replacement?
Most of you are watching this show...
...so you can learn how to get chicks.
Well, let me assure you, you're in good hands.
You're looking at a guy...
...who personally has had sex with over 137 women.
Most of them conscious.
This is beautiful. - Now, we're here at the balloon festival...
...and I'm supposed to be telling you about how men are full of hot air.
But I think we all know, it's the ladies that are full of crap.
Just because she says no, doesn't mean she means no.
If that were the case, I'd have only 90 women...
Okay. All right. - What the hell?
Did she...?
Welcome back.
It looks like we're experiencing some technical difficulty.
Yeah, when you have a wine festival...
Okay, I got it.
Hi. - We're back.
I'm sorry...
...but Jack Magnum will no longer be able to do The Ugly Truth.
Which should really come as no surprise...
...because men are completely unreliable.
What is she doing?
Yes? Yes, Harold? Yes.
Yes, I know. We're fixing it.
Take Mike Chadway, for instance.
He up and quit the show without so much as a word.
You think you know what men are gonna do.
You think you know what men want to do.
But when it comes down to that moment...
...where they actually need to step up and...
...I don't know, make a move...
...they chicken out.
I am all over this. - Where are you going?
We're live in two. - It's going great, isn't it?
The big, strong, brave men that we've all been reading about...
...in novels and watching in movies since we were 9 years old...
...that's a fallacy. They don't exist.
Men are not strong. Men are not brave.
Men are afraid.
It's all part of the show. It's an Andy Kaufman thing we're doing.
Even if they have a moment in a hotel elevator...
...and it's totally romantic and full of potential...
...men are incapable of copping to it.
Because why?
Men are weak.
Let me tell you something about women.
Hey. - Woman would have us believe...
...that they are the victims. That we break their hearts for sport.
I thought he quit. - That's crap.
See? I told you we'd get him back.
They say they want true love, but all they want is a checklist.
Is he perfect? Is he handsome? Is he a doctor?
For you men who fit the criteria...
...don't kid yourselves, they're not sleeping with you.
They're sleeping with a carefully calculated set of venal choices.
Money over substance, looks over soul.
Polish over principles.
No gesture, no matter how real or romantic...
...will ever compensate for a really impressive list of credentials.
This coming from a man who's never made a gesture...
...other than this one.
Oh, so the elevator wasn't a gesture?
The elevator was a moment of passion...
...followed by a moment of panic on your part, apparently.
Panic? I came by your room. - Yes, and then you ran away.
That wasn't panic, sweetheart.
That was an unwillingness to compete...
...with the walking checklist that was in your bed.
You should be thanking me.
We got 10 seconds.
Are we ready to soar up, up and away?
Well, there you have it, folks. That's the ugly truth.
A girl in heat for two guys...
...will choose the one with the better resume.
That is bullsh-
And we're out.
God. I hate you so much, I just swore on live television.
No, you hate yourself for being so shallow.
Off we go. - Where are we going?
I'm not going anywhere with you.
Well, that's a shocker, you're bailing. - I wouldn't recommend that.
Keep rolling on the onboard camera.
What are you doing? God, what is wrong with you?
They don't even know they're on the air, do they?
Is there any way to tell them they're on the air?
Nope. - Oh, they're gonna curse. I know it.
www.frendz4m.com
So who wants champagne?
Oh, I know. I got a great idea.
Why don't we pass the time with you telling me...
...how much fun you and Colin had having sex in Los Angeles?
I broke up with Colin in Los Angeles, you jackass.
On our left, you'll see the High Sierras...
What? - Oh, yeah. That's got your interest.
Well, If you think we're gonna finish what we started in LA,
...you're out of your mind. You lost your chance.
Oh, come on. I never had a chance with you.
And to our right here, you'll see the lovely Sacramento River...
...winding its way through the dichromatic landscape.
Could you please stop talking? Thank you.
You're right. I had a momentary lapse in judgment...
...when I thought you were more than you are, but you aren't.
Clearly. - Oh, yeah?
Well, what does that mean?
"I'm Mike Chadway. I like girls in Jell-O.
I like to fuck like a monkey. Don't fall in love, it's scary. "
Oh, for God's sakes, there's the first one.
Yeah, it is scary. It's terrifying.
Especially when I'm in love with a psycho like you.
I am not a psycho.
Love?
I just told you that I loved you,
...and all you heard was "psycho. "
You're the definition of neurotic. - No. The definition of neurotic...
...is a person who suffers from anxiety, obsessive thoughts,
...compulsive acts and physical ailments...
...without any objective evidence of... - Shut up!
Yet again, I just told you I'm in love with you...
...and you're standing here giving me a vocabulary lesson.
You're in love with me.
Why?
Beats the shit out of me...
...but I am.
Oh, Mike.
You're amazing. - I am?
Oh, you're a god.
Really? - Oh, God!
Am I really that good?
Or are you-?
Are you just faking it?
You'll never know.